Vilified! - Red Meat for Conservatives from a Guy who’s Got a Lot of Beefs

Date: 6/08/09

Obama Health Care: Take Two Aspirins and Email Me in the Morning?

So, I was sitting in my doctor’s office in the last throes of what I was convinced was Swine Flu when it all became clear to me: if President Obama’s approach to medicine has as high-tech a flair as his campaign and lifestyle do, we’re not headed for Socialized Medicine: we’re headed for “Social Medicine”.

I barely ever can get in to see my primary physician as it is since the guy has shorter hours than Joe Biden’s fact checker. So, maybe Social Medicine will be an improvement.

Step 1 of Obama’s Social Medicine Reform: All Doctors Will Twitter. I’m sure this will be priceless:

Doctor Tweet # 1 (10:04 a.m.): Hey folks. Running late. 3 Car accident in front of me spilled blood on windshield. Had to get car washed. Be at office soon.

Doctor Tweet #2 (10:20 a.m.): Big round brushes at the car wash are cool….

Doctor Tweet #3 (10:40 a.m.): Stopping at Starbucks. Going to punk the barista by coughing on him and saying its tuberculosis. LOL!

Doctor Tweet #4 (11:02 a.m.): I’m in my parking lot. Be in as soon as this System of a Down song finishes.

Step 2 of Obama’s Social Medicine Reform: Affording Expensive Medications May Put You Between a Rock and a Hard Place – Literally.

Yes, in the brave new Obama World, doctors may “tweet” as part of their bedside manner and to save money some medicines might only be acquired if you’re willing to find them. I have it on good authority that all drugs for diabetics will be hidden within 50 miles of their home. Instead of a glucose meter, they’ll be issued a Medicare-approved portable GPS unit and clues.

It’s a new cost-saver idea called “Prescription Geocaching”. All medicines will be buried under leaves, hidden in holes, inside open tree knots, under logs, in waterproof bags under ponds, behind rocks, and other clever depositories.

For example, besides saving countless millions on blood testing supplies, those with diabetes will have to invest a little personal time in searching for their insulin. Not only will Prescription Geocaching provide needed exercise but, it will also drastically reduce the amount of medicine needed since the government estimates only 55% of all patients will actually find their prescriptions before they lapse into a diabetic coma.

Step 3 of Obama’s Social Medicine Reform: “I’m Not a Doctor! I’m a BlackBerry User!”

All this dialing 911 stuff and speaking with dispatchers – well that’s all just going to have to move to text messaging. It will be more cost-effective to text your emergency to the official 911 BlackBerry in your area.

Dying Guy: Help! I’m having a heart attack.

911 BlackBerry: Is there anyone else there?

Dying Guy: Just the hooker I was having sex with.

911 BlackBerry: STFU! That’s nasty! Heart attack sex! Who is this? Billy Joel? Is that you again Bill Joel?

Dying Guy: No! This is not Billy Joel. Are you going to send an ambulance?

911 BlackBerry: Son, I don’t think so. It sounds like you’ve already been inside more things than you can handle tonight….

GetWellSoon@YankingYourChain.gov

Doctors Twittering, Prescription Geocaching, 911 Texting…the only thing creepier would be if the next time the Cleveland Clinic unveils a face transplant, they do it on FaceBook.

I just hope nobody approaches me from my health care company and offers a discount if I’ll agree to post my colonoscopy on YouTube.

Andy Warhol once said everyone gets 15 minutes of fame. Now, everyone gets 15 gigabytes on the web – and what we used to call our personal medical records is vulnerable to a system of privacy where your blood pressure might be tweeted, not necessarily treated.

Corey Deitz