Vilified! - Red Meat for Conservatives from a Guy who’s Got a Lot of Beefs

Date: 6/15/09

I Am the Welfare State

First, I noticed an azalea bush near my house had been trimmed by some teeth.

Then, they went after the leaves on the lowest branches of a young Cleveland Pear tree I planted just last year.

Finally, the other night the deer that inhabit the woods near my home mercilessly attacked my garden’s tomato and pepper plants. This was a crescendo to events which had recently begun to spin out of control.

They ate every single tomato I had nurtured and the one lousy, quarter-sized green bell pepper that was struggling to grow.

In my world, this could only be considered a massive crop failure.

I felt violated. “Why,” I thought to myself would these deer who I have been feeding daily for 2 ½ years with a bucket of corn be so insensitive?

Why would they violate our non-verbal agreement? I thought it was obvious: I give you free corn and in return, you, the deer, be grateful and leave everything else alone. This worked for several years and several generations of deer – until now.

After complaining bitterly to my business partner, it suddenly dawned on me: I was a welfare state – and I had created monsters.

Yes, I am the government that rules my house and acreage. I decided one all-feeding source would benefit them. It was I who put the deer on the government dole.

Every day, without fail, I have distributed the free corn. The deer began to expect it. And this is true: sometimes, I would come home from work and a couple of does or bucks would be standing in my backyard waiting for the Corn Man.

They were waiting for their government entitlement from The United House of Me. Little did I realize I was creating a class of animal that would become accustomed to the generous corn teet I had shown it, one that would come to expect and demand more.

After a while on the government dole from The United House of Me, laziness set in and the deer’s sense of entitlement became overwhelming. That is when they ventured into the azalea bush, chomped on my pear tree, and ultimately raided my garden, leaving nothing for anyone else.

I don’t know what they will eat next but they’ve made it very clear to me that my liberal guidelines toward providing them with free corn are a failed policy.

People say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. They are wrong.

There’s no such thing as refusing a free lunch - when the government is dangling it in front of your face.

Corey Deitz