A Recovering Democrat
"I'd like to admit here and now: I'm a recovering Democrat and I have established the 6 Steps to Recovery…#4: Take a moral inventory of yourself. Admit your personal shelves are as empty as an ice cream case after Rosie O'Donnell has left the supermarket…#6: Make a list of all persons socialism could harm - or just substitute the most recent U.S. Census."
"The problem with fringe elements in both parties comes down to a very simple reality: left wing kooks want to control your body, right wing kooks want to control your morality. Here's a bulletin from Traffic Control in my cerebral cortex: all of you take a flying leap."
Barney Frank and Christopher Dodd
"I have a new name for Barney Frank and Christopher Dodd. Since, in my opinion their actions or lack of action on their respective committees was monstrous; from this day forth I will collectively call them: Frankendodd…If you're a villager and have lost value in your house or the stock market, please grab a torch and pitchfork and feel free to chase Frankendodd through the streets and back to Capitol Hill where it was created."
Drilling for Oil
"Where did the environment get this crazy idea to turn the remains of marine life and plants into gobs of grease? Why would a perfect ecological system sabotage itself by creating a substance which creates greenhouse gases when refined and burned in internal combustion engines…In other words: is oil God's way of sweeping some dirt under the carpet that no one was ever supposed to find?"
"…liberals don't want us to drill for our own oil reserves because apparently - and trust me I've done much research on this - U.S. oil reserves have what we used to call in grade school: Cooties…Yes, America has Oil Cooties…Then, in 1987, Dr. B.P. Ecksahn from M.I.T. discovered the systematic cure for Oil Cooties: he hypothesized by drilling wells - called Oil Cootie Shots - on American land and offshore where oil reserves lay, it would relieve enormous financial pressure…"
Health Care
"…the Democrats employ their "Redistribution of Health" concept by encouraging smokers to provide the tax base for another health plan aimed at helping people whom they like better."
"The far-left decided a long time ago that the pursuit of happiness does not include nicotine. If they could, they would probably tar and feather all smokers, as long as the tar came from Marlboros."
National Responsibility
"You don't get a free ride. You've heard of taking personal responsibility? Well, in America you take nationally responsibility, too. You don't get to be an American only when your political party is in power. That doesn't mean you have to agree with every political decision made by your government but when it comes down to the big stuff like war, freedom, or your survival you had better get perspective and decide whether you're an American for the long haul or just somebody passing through citizenship."
The Economic Stimulus Bill
"The Wicked Witch of the Left, Nancy Pelosi, and her flying monkeys have concocted the epitome of entitlement and the embodiment of shamelessness… Unfortunately, this Yellow Brick road leading out of Washington is not paved with gold."
"Did you ever wonder about that weird pyramid with the eyeball on the back of dollar bill? I finally realize what it stands for: the pyramid scheme our government is perpetrating by creating money out of thin air to pay our debts. It's as if somebody appointed Bernie Madoff the Secretary of the Treasury."
PETA
"Think how Abu Ghraib - one especially ugly incident during the Iraq War - gave so many people ammunition to condemn all of our military. PETA seeks out animal Abu Ghraibs and amplifies the unkindness to promote its agenda."
Freedom
"America didn't give me freedom, my creator did. America only enforced his will. As such, my free will is a divine action and no one is permitted to infringe on it. Not far-left liberals, not fascist dictators, nor any other misguided government policies."
Global Warming and the Environment
"Yes, I have a big foot. And now, like the inconsiderate child who tracks mud across the carpet as he comes inside from play, I am viewed as an inconsiderate adult who tracks a bulging carbon footprint across mother Earth."
"…federal and state agencies have long recommended that the pieces of broken fluorescent bulbs be sealed in plastic bags… To be fair, did you know an old fashioned mercury thermometer has about 100 times the amount of mercury in it than a CFL? It makes you wonder why Al Qaeda isn't trying to make a "Dirty Thermo" out of old thermometers."
"Well, I got tired of being insulted just because I'm well read. Anyone with a browser can go to Google and find reputable scientists who come down on both sides of this argument. That says to me it's not a foregone conclusion - no matter what Al Gore says or how many PowerPoints he can fit in his luggage."
Seeking Brownie Points from the World
"Some liberals think America has an infection which requires they be inoculated from the bad actions of the country - like when we do things the Middle East or Europe don't like. To perform this inoculation, someone like Sean Penn, Danny Glover or Cindy Sheehan runs off to another part of the world - like Venezuela - and sits at the feet of an American-hating wack job like Hugo Chavez to vaccinate the other liberals. This way they can say, 'Sure I love America. Except when it sucks. Like now.'"
Illegal Immigration
The other day I was standing in the one line at the supermarket that was open. As I stood there, people came up and stood behind me. Finally, the genius manager opened a second line and who do you think was next? Me? The person who had been standing in line and was rightfully next?...No. As a matter of fact, the cashier did nothing as the last person in my line ran over to the new cash register followed by the next to last - both in back of me and who had waited the least amount of time… Our immigration policy makes as much sense as a badly managed supermarket.
The Entitlement Society
"If I were going to characterize Americans as cheese, I would categorize them as either soft cheese or hard cheese. Soft Cheese is meant for immediate consumption. Hard Cheese requires age to reach proper taste. Some Americans want what they want and they want it now. If the government is willing to give it to them - or help them get it - that's just fine. The more the merrier. Whatever government entitlements you got, they'll take. They want soft cheese. But, conservatives don't need immediate gratification. They'll wait for the cheese to age and harden."